This holiday season is so lovely, so full of anticipation for our marriage and tying our lives together. Spending time with each others families, my heart keeps growing more and more, I’m excited for the day when I can call his family mine. Feeling pretty merry these days.
I’ve been having an enormous pity party over these two things; time and money. Rolling around in the injustice of my limited resources of both. As for money, it is distributed unevenly between people, but I am in some control (however small it might be) of how much I make and where I spend it. Time however is another matter. Everyone gets the same amount. At least in hours in a day, none of us know how much time we’ll have in our life. I might die tomorrow, or live until I’m one hundred and fifty two. My point is, it’s ridiculous to constantly be whining about how much or how little time I have. I literally cannot change it. I can only be as efficient as possible and use my time as wisely as I know how. And while we’re talking about what’s ridiculous, there’s not even a point in complaining about my lack of money, unless of course I’m asking for cash, not that I’d turn it down, but that’s never my intention. So why am I wallowing around in my self pity? It’s a waste of precious time. which as I’ve stated, I don’t have enough of!
I’ve been digging into self reflection lately. It’s frightening, dark and tempestuous. I don’t like everything I’ve been discovering about myself. (Like the realization that my “worrying” about time and money is just a pity party that rivals a three year old’s temper tantrum.) But it’s also a beautiful thing, cleaning out the ugly and calling on the beauty. There is nothing quite as powerful as realizing my faults and strengths. I’m not sure which is more important, cutting out the bad, or recognizing the good. It’s an awkward place to be, stepping back and affirming myself, building myself up; while still being honest and realizing my faults and eliminating them. It’s especially hard when one of my faults is being too hard on myself, it goes something like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t you know you’re pretty great? Why would you think such negative thoughts? You’re so mean. Why you gotta be such a jerk to yourself? Can’t you be nicer. You’re a jerk.” Then I’m right back where I started.
I’m not always mean to myself, I go through phases of thinking I’m the bee’s knees. “La la la look at me, I’m so responsible, I can always be counted on. I’m so great. Look at me.” But sometimes, often it’s more like… “How could you be so dumb? Who could even love you? You’re so dumb, look at you, no one even needs you.” Obviously neither one is an accurate description of myself. At least I hope it’s obvious, if not I owe you an enormous apology or else you haven’t seen me on a bad day or both. It’s so weird and hard to keep balance. To keep my chin up when I’m feeling down, and to stay humble when I’m feeling confident.
Lately I’ve been wallowing in self doubt. Just glancing at the packet I just received from school is making my heart pound and my face flush. I cannot believe I’m good enough, that I will succeed. The fear is suffocating. When I feel this kind of panic, I start thinking I’m useless, that people don’t need me, so I bail on things I’ve already committed to, “I wouldn’t be useful anyways, no point in going.” Then I clear my head a bit and realize I was a total nincompoop, but it’s too late, the cycle of self doubt and failure has begun. So I wallow some more in just how dumb I must be.
The good thing about all the self reflecting I’ve been doing is I’m realizing these things in myself, the bad part is that mucking through this is draining. I feel so empty after dragging out all the ugly things. So embarrassed when I realize how often I fall short. I’m also discovering how incredibly self destructive it is to linger on faults. Replacing the negative with positive as quickly as possible is essential for a healthy mental state. It’s not enough to just tell myself to stop complaining about time, and money, to be more responsible, more reliable. If I stop then I’ll only continue to beat myself up over my lack of initiative, time management and how I’ve been letting others down.
I’m mostly just rambling, clearing my head, solidifying my thoughts as I write. But the moral of the story/my message to myself is: pick yourself up, stop being whatever it is that is bad, and replace it with good. Don’t beat yourself up, just be nicer, kinder, more responsible, and less of a wailing tantrum throwing toddler. You don’t suck. Well sometimes you do, but it’s okay. Everyone does once in a while. The key is not to wallow in your shortcomings.
Today I said to Andrew, “baby, it’s cold outside” which immediately made me laugh. It’s nearly a pun. And speaking of Christmas music, it’s just one week away from me blaring Christmas carols all day long for an entire month. I can’t wait. The only thing that makes the cold bearable is the holidays, more precisely, Christmas music. Once the new year hits there will be no excuse for freezing temperatures, and I will be rather disgruntled. But for now, I’m enjoying my new coat, drinking lots of hot chocolate and dreaming about sugar plumbs. Actually I’ve never dreamt of them, I don’t even know what they are.
I’m not even sure what I’m rambling about or why. So, goodnight.
The cycle is vicious. When you try to break free the voices taunt you, “You’re too down on yourself, you’ll never be able to have any real confidence. Remember the other day how you didn’t do anything because you were listening to the fear inside? You’ll never become anything, clearly.”
Currently doubting every area of my life. Making hard choices. So very very tired of being a grownup.