on being a grownup

flowers in the sink

// Today I ironed the hem of my dress with a hair straightener because I don’t own an ironing board, and my iron is sticky from craft projects because I’ve never used it for it’s intended purpose.
// My sink is full of dirty dishes, my dryer is full of laundry that needs folded, I haven’t cleaned my bathroom in weeks months and I only cook when I’m having company.
// I eat frozen waffles everyday for breakfast. I hate vegetables. I’m currently eating lucky charms from the box, and calling it lunch.
// My workout routine today was swinging at the park because I wasn’t motivated enough to drive to the gym.
// I’m terrified of the dark. When I get nervous I stutter and forget everything I know. I don’t go to the dentist because I’m afraid of the water they squirt on my teeth.
// I cannot spell. Even one little bit. I live in constant fear I’m going to be asked to spell something on the spot with out spell check to help me out.
Isn’t it strange that I have a bachelors degree, and am designing a book for a professor at Washington University? How is it that I get to assist in teaching a class this summer at Maryville? How is it possible that I have so many bills in my name, and am somehow paying them with relatively few late payments? Weird how I can successfully keep a large rich house clean and running smoothly, complete with a healthy home cooked meal every night but when I come home, dinner is popcorn and my clothes are all wrinkled. How am I such a fraking grown up when I feel so small. Why do I feel so intimidated by others around me, when I myself am doing rad stuff? Why am I staring at my wall, afraid to create, too nervous to put words to page for fear they are not adequate?
I will not fearfully lay on the couch and watch Greys Anatomy all day, wishing I was awesomer. I’ll just go be awesome. Armed with a box of marshmallowy goodness, I’ll make stuff. I’ll think thoughts. The stuff I make will be top notch. And my thoughts will be deep and… thoughtful.
(full discloser: those flowers in the photo above? I killed them. Be cause my thumb is any color besides green, probably black)

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4 Responses to on being a grownup

  1. Madi says:

    Caitlin, I loved this post! It was so honest and real.

    This may come as a surprise to you, but there are people who are intimidated by the rad stuff you are doing, too 😉

  2. Momma Di says:

    You sound like a gal who is more ‘in the know’ and ‘has it altogether’ than she realizes.
    As for intimidation…you can intimidate your momma when I think about all that you do and do so well!! I’m very proud of you and all that you have accomplished. As for green plants…perhaps it’s in the genes….most beautiful little green things turn brown when they realize I am are around. Usually it is plain and simple….I forget to water them!!
    I like the hair straightener turned iron. I’m going to remember that one when I do not want to get out the ironing board. Creativity @ it’s best is what I’m saying. Swinging at the park…great exercise…when you come home again…perhaps we can walk to the park and swing together…I’d like that!! I love you sweetheart….I enjoy your writings.
    Hugs, Momma

  3. Kirsten says:

    These words are the ones I think everyone thinks but no one’s brave enough to voice them. I loved this so much because I feel this way everyday. Your transparency makes me feel braver. xo.

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